British Airways review by Brian

'Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit', is a saying attributed to Oscar Wilde. In this review of my recent experience on British Airways Club Class from Heathrow to Bangkok return, I am tempted to use those words to accurately describe events. First...the reason for my booking. It was in response to the folk who contacted me to ask why I had not included BA in a detailed comparison review I did, which compared the quality of Business Class cabins on five major airlines that flew the same route. They had a point. So, tickets booked, I arrived at LHR terminal 5 to check-in for my flight to Bangkok. Previously, I had made a request to BA's Public Relations department to conduct a short, informal interview with the day's Duty Manager. Such interviews requested of ALL the other airlines were granted, during which I gained much information. But...BA said, NO! However, at check-in, I asked if I could meet with the day's duty manager whilst in the lounge. 'No problem', I was told, 'we'll arrange it so please identify yourself at the Club Class lounge desk'. Did anyone arrive?...you've guessed it - NO. When querying the non arrival at that lounge desk, I was told that the meeting would take place in the departure hall. Did it? - NO. So, onto the aircraft, a 17 year old Boeing 777. One look around the cabin and my expectations fell . The layout of the 'lay flat' seats was such that passengers were forced to climb over each others legs to reach an aisle. It was at that point that my first thoughts of 'sarcasm and wit' came to mind. Were BA 'taking the Mickey' out of the business class passengers? I mused before a more hilarious thought hit me, Maybe Disney's Mickey had designed the seating arrangement and, tongue in cheek, presented it to Willie Walsh, who made the decision to implement it!!! Hmm, yes, my use of sarcasm...justified or not? Take off was 45 minutes behind schedule but that was to be expected...no big deal. Seat belt sign off...drinks offered and food items on the over exaggerated menu selected. OK I thought, I'll sip my preferred tipple and have a scroll through the on board entertainment system to choose what to view during the 12 plus hour flight. Well, that would have been so, if the screen unit would stay in one place...but it wouldn't...it was broken. Emergency DIY by one of the bearded cabin crew (all but one male was so adorned) as he forced a teaspoon between a gap in the framework. Voila, as the French would say, it held. Now the only problem was squinting to focus images on the tiny, outdated screen. At 30,000 feet or so, conversation was all but impossible if using one's normal voice as every cupboard door and fixture on the aircraft rattled continuously. At around that point, the cabin crew served the chosen meals. More sarcasm, I'm afraid. I'd ordered beef and beef it was. The stainless steel knives wouldn't work...'tough' doesn't describe the meat. Sawn into half-inch thick slices by a cobbler would have yielded soles for boots. Left on the plate, I 'passed' on a dessert and asked for Cheddar Cheese, crackers and a cup of coffee. It was easy to snap a piece off a cracker, but to do the same to the quarter inch thick slice of cheese came as a surprise...as was being served lukewarm coffee. No sarcasm or wit needed here – just disappointment. Now...here comes another scene taken from a Fred Carno film script starring Charlie Chaplin. For a cabin crew member to serve food or drink to a passenger not seated at an aisle, he/she had to reach over the aisle passenger, then a plastic divider to present the tray/dish/item, meaning that person had to balance it before putting it onto their own sliding table. Good eh?...well done 'Mickey'. It was during this time, that I received unasked-for red wine...right into my lap! Oops! A rush to gather paper tissues and the impossible task of trying to mop-up the liquid. The passing of uncomfortable hours did eventually help my Chinos and shirt to dry but left behind the telltale tide marks edged in pink. The seat itself? The narrowest I've ever had to sit on and IN TWO SECTIONS! To rest ones feet, a separate piece of equipment had to be unlocked and risen to a chosen height. Then by the use of a row of hard to see buttons, the other half could be moved to finally make one piece. OK, well, putting that complicated lot together then raised the question, 'was it comfortable?' Maybe so if every passenger was less than six feet tall and as slender as a Vogue model. So the answer has to be NO. Sleep on was not possible (for me anyway) so I passed the time reading and playing Solitaire on my mini tablet...interrupted occasionally by glancing at the TV screen to monitor the aircraft's progress. The wheels finally touched down at Bangkok airport and we all disembarked. * En-route to the city hotel by taxi, I was wrangling with the events on the flight and now, in full daylight saw the results of the wine spill incident and reminded myself to email BA's UK office and inform them what had happened - and the cost of replacement. As of today (almost a month later) all I have received is an acknowledgement and an incident number. I'll wait a while longer before I trigger the sarcasm bit. Some days prior to my return flight I had a fall – a bad one as I crashed onto a marble floor, my left hip bone taking the brunt. From that moment, I was in severe pain and could only walk a few paces with the aid of a walking stick. 'What was my 13 plus hour flight to the UK going to be like?' I kind of fretted. I emailed BA immediately to advise them of the incident, asking for special assistance at Bangkok airport, throughout the flight at Heathrow, where a car would be waiting to collect me. Guess what?...no reply, not even an acknowledgment. Anxious, I emailed again the next day...and the next day...still no reply. I was concerned, not knowing was worrying. Explaining to the hotel management, it too was concerned and made numerous telephone calls on my behalf to BA's Bangkok office....No response. Nevertheless, a taxi was arranged. The driver deposited me at the nearest drop off point to reach the BA check-in. Very kind and thoughtful. Surprise, surprise, when I limped to the Club Class desk, the Thai girl manning it immediately beckoned a wheelchair porter standing nearby and welcomed me with the words, “Sawadee ka, Mister Fisher, I received the message about you from your hotel. Please, everything is arranged for you.” How nice eh? Luggage tagged, wheelchair occupied, I was pushed at a steady pace through immigration etc, where all the Thai staff were gracious and helpful, and onwards to the lounge which BA uses for its Club Class passengers. Relieved and relaxed I imbibed a whisky, ate a fresh salad and read a newspaper. At the arranged the porter appeared, helped me into the wheelchair and off we went to board the aircraft. Word had been sent ahead, as when having my boarding pass examined, the porter was given the authority to take me straight to the aircraft door. There, awaiting, was the BA Thai duty manager, a delightful girl with a charming smile. A few Bahts into the porter's hand prompted a wide smile and a genuine Wai and I was helped to my seat on row one. When seated, the Thai manager came to me and we began a conversation. It centred on the total lack of concern by BA's UK Customer Service. She was certainly deeply embarrassed that I had not been dealt with properly. I was the only passenger on board and I did notice the BA cabin crew glancing in our direction and talking among themselves. Boarding complete, the captain announced a timely departure and a probable earlier than scheduled arrival at Heathrow. At cruising altitude, the senior cabin crew supervisor came to me. It became clear that she now had been appraised of my problem by the Thai duty manager because she expressed her concern, asking me to call for assistance at any time during the flight. The flight. Same old 777, same rattles, uncomfortable seat, small, rickety entertainment screen, mediocre food, galley running out of the snacks clearly advertised as being available at the touch of a button. I found it impossible to lay without pain but that was not the fault of BA, but a softer, wider seat would have helped. Throughout this daytime flight, the cabin crew concerned did acknowledge each of my needs and were kind and careful. Heathrow at around 1730 hrs and the scramble to disembark began. I was beckoned to leave my seat as a wheelchair was ready and waiting so I did, and managed to get myself and my luggage to the aircraft's exit...BUT...no wheelchair...someone else had commandeered it. That left me in the middle of a scrum of passengers trying to get to the ramp first. I had no option but to limp up that quite long ramp, where at its end, stood an empty electric buggy. Fred Carno comes to mind again, as when three of us needing help gathered there and waited. Finally, a man of Asian origin arrived and he set off along the mile long passageway to the immigration desks. The buggy was allowed though a special gate and the immigration officer soon had us cleared to proceed to the baggage collection carousel. That was it - end of special assistance. We three were on our own, As our luggage came into view we helped each other load it onto our trolleys, said our goodbyes and hobbled away. That is my narrative as to flying British Airways club class. I've nothing but praise for those kind Thai people who ensured I received as much help as needed. BA staff and senior management however, only attract my disdain. Uncaring, dismissive, rude and snobbish. The CEO's office, refutes the appalling and negative reviews by passengers, stating that BA was flying more passengers than ever. My reply to that, Mr Cruz, is what Eric Morecambe would have said, 'RUGGISH'. The olympic games ranks medals - Gold, Silver and Bronze. My ranking for British Airways, is TIN.